Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)
Page 1 of 1

Author:  ClUeLeSs [ Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:01 am ]
Post subject:  Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

Hey, so this is my first stab at a fan fiction of anykind, so any and all review is welcome and encouraged. This story (and any subsequent ones I wright) Take place in a timeline that is loosley based on the video games (NOT the anime), and revolve around my invented charecter Jay. I have actually written a profile for Jay (as I use him in RPs) and if anyone is interested enough to see it, I will post the link on my next chapter.

Mostly exposition this chapter, but later chapters will be rated PG-13 for mild language and violence (and possibly mild romance). Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Jay strapped his bag onto his back and set about securing his pokeballs to his belt. Ordinarily, he’d carry them inside his jacket, but he had no need for that where he was going. He looked swiftly around his small bedroom, and, satisfied that he wasn’t missing anything, walked out into the larger living room.

The spacious, open room was decorated with plain furniture, minimal in nature: A couch faced the wall where a television set sat on a dresser. A coffee table sat between them, Jay’s laptop open and powered on sitting on top of it. A large window was on the wall to the right of this set up and it looked out over the beach and the ocean. Opposite the window was a small kitchen complete with a stove, sink and fridge. Jay crossed to the kitchen, grabbing his poketch off the counter as he went. He packed his bag with nuts and dried fruit from the cabinet over the stove and began fiddling with the device on his wrist.

Jay’s poketch was unique; yes he’d gotten it from Goldenrod, where they’d been shipped from Jubilife city in Sinnoh, but he’d modified and altered it so much himself, it was more or less his own invention. It now had the ability to show his pokemon’s status, their health, attacks, health, etc, on a heads-up-display when it wasn’t displaying the time and other vital information about his team. He pressed a button and a display of his current team popped up on the screen. Perfect, he thought. It was then that he realized his laptop was beeping at him incessantly. “Incoming call from Professor Samuel Oak,” the machine informed him it its clear robotic voice. Jay sat down on the couch, which groaned in protest, and pressed the ‘accept’ button. Instantly, the screen was filled with the face of the famous professor.

“Ah, Jay, I’m glad I caught you,” the professor said, a wide grin lighting up his wrinkled face. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
“Not at all professor, it’s good to hear from you. What do you need?” Professor Oak paused a moment, as if deciding weather or not to actually say what was on his mind. Jay braced himself, he knew what was coming.
“Are you sure you still want to go through with this my boy? Nobody yet has managed to climb all the way to the top of Mt. Ember, and many are injured or worse on the journey alone.” Concern now colored Oak’s words and expression. Jay rolled his eyes.
“I told you, I can handle it. I’m seventeen; I’m not a kid anymore.” He didn’t look like a kid either, he’d grown considerably in the past year and much of his weight now came from the muscles he developed while training. “All the research I’ve done backs this up, If I’m ever going to find a wild Moltres, it has to be here and this week.” Professor Oak looked torn.
“You know I’m as excited as you are at the prospect of observing a wild Moltres up-close, but we must be reasonable! I don’t see any reason why Valerie couldn’t accompany you.” Jay winced at the thought of Valerie, sweet, good-natured Valerie, braving Mt. Ember. If anything happened to her…
He smiled what he hoped was a winning smile. “Stop worrying okay? I can handle it. I’ve got to get going now or I won’t make it to the top by nightfall.”
“Alright, if there’s not way to change your mind, I won’t stop you. Just be careful.”
“I always am Professor.” He switched off the monitor and stood up, shaking his dark hair out of his eyes. He took one last deep breath and, without a backward glance, was out the front door.

Again, mostly exposition this chapter, action to come I promise! Please rate and comment.

Author:  SanFe [ Sat Jun 27, 2009 7:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

Despite the length of your first chapter being fairly short, I can't really complain too much about what you have submitted so far. However, I'm obviously new to the site and do not know what the average length for a fic here is.

The dialogue sounds average. Your word choice seems slightly jagged, but I've seen far worse. It might be helpful for you to read your character's words out loud to yourself so you can more easily tell if something sounds slightly off. Humans are quite complex and multi-dimensional in emotions and the things they say shouldn't be completely predictable (though their words should not be random either).

If you plan ahead by making chapter-by-chapter outlines it shouldn't be that hard to increase the length. I can't stress the importance of prewriting enough. Your grasp on the writing basics is decent and the story has some potential, but I'd just like see more than a chapter lasting for only a handful of paragraphs. The fact that I want to see more is definitely not a bad thing though :)

Author:  Golbania [ Sun Jun 28, 2009 9:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

Not that your effort isn't visible, but like SanFe said, it would do to be more elaborate with your ideas, ClUeLeSs. For instance, what is Jay's backstory? That part isn't completely clear to me, so he seems kind of blank. Also, the description could be a little more poetic. It sets a somber mood as is (though I guess it can't be helped doing this from a human's POV).

As for length, you could aim for a few pages instead of just a few paragraphs. Personally, I'd try for three as a start. That's a typical minimum on other sites (not sure about here...but still, no one will quibble with you, claiming things like lazy writing and all the other insults people usually first-time writers. And, I'd know this having gotten some of them myself as a beginner). It's all up to you, but this helps with presentation.

Author:  ClUeLeSs [ Sun Jun 28, 2009 9:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

Thanks for the feedback guys I really appreciate it.

SanFe: Don't worry, I'm combining what was going to be my next two chapters into one and I'm probably going to go ahead and write what was going to be another chapter into it as well. Also thanks for the dialouge tip, I'll make sure to look over it before I post again.

Golbania: Jay's backstory will definatley be flushed out over the comming chapters, but I also intend to write prequals and sequals that center on him. It's more or less supposed to feel like one part of a bigger story. As for the mood, I don't know quite what you mean. Jay's kind of a serious person and this story isn't necessarily supposed to be a comedy, although i certainly don't want it to be too depressing, and I'll try and fix it if that's what you meant.

Again, thanks for the feedback, new (and longer) chapter to go up later this week.

Author:  kittygirl1001 [ Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

I liked it!!!! Or in fact, <3ed it!!! I like how you made them so life like. Lots of vivid nouns and colorful adjectives (????? Spelling...??????). It all blended together for me.

Author:  Golbania [ Sun Jul 05, 2009 1:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

Occasionally, I like to insert some small commentaries (i.e. character thoughts) into the narration about the stuff you describe. It gives a little more connection to reality, like SanFe was getting at. Jay seems just a bit indifferent to me because you don't give out much of his thoughts on things. Don't overdo it, though, because that makes for bad drama. Hopefully that makes sense. Sorry if I confused you.

Author:  hykoloco [ Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Journey to Mt. Ember (Please Review! Rated PG-13)

well i like it so far keep up the good work!!! :D

Page 1 of 1 All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group