Holy crap that's panzieish
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| Well I had a little poetic moment http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=23550 |
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| Author: | Equinoxe [ Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:34 am ] |
| Post subject: | Well I had a little poetic moment |
...and I wrote this little thing. _______________________________________ Autumn Sensation The scent of freeze is in the air Tonight the stars will greet me I see the leaves fall on my hair The branch has set them free Clouds are swaying 'cross the sky For them I bid farewell Yes, I know they won't reply Them will the winds dispel I see the first light above my head Glowing faintly in the void Pale is the light that it will shed Still the shine I can't avoid The edge of the endless skies Is so very near It can sense it with my eyes 'Cause the night's so clear My fingers are all red and numb From standing in the cold I can't really feel my thumb But the feeling won't get old _______________________________________ Hell this poem's full'a crap I need some better rhymes After that my head I'll tap Against a tree for limes Well, seriously, I want to improve this poem, because in my opinion it has some good parts. I have problems finding words that rhyme and the rhythm is a bit off. All critique and stuff is very much welcome. :D I wish you guys knew Finnish so I could write stuff in my own language. I could write better rhyming poems in Finnish but if I put them here, you wouldn't most likely understand a word. :( -- By the way, I didn't get much crit on my last piece of literature (which can be found here). D: I hope this one would get some more attention. |
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| Author: | metagross4 [ Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Well I had a little poetic moment |
Holy crap that's panzieish
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| Author: | Valentine [ Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Well I had a little poetic moment |
metagross4 wrote: Holy crap that's panzieish Holy crap you're immature
Mewtwelve - Thanks for sharing, I thought it was a nice poem. You use a few extra words that you could cut (such as 'the' on numerous occasions), and I think if you threw them out the rhythm would become a tad smoother. |
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| Author: | Equinoxe [ Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:32 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Well I had a little poetic moment |
Thanks :D I modified it a little, removed some of the "the"s. ________________________________________ The scent of freeze is in the air Tonight the stars will greet me I see leaves fall on my hair Branches set them free Clouds are swaying 'cross the sky For them I bid farewell Yes, I know they won't reply Them will winds dispel I see the first light above my head Glowing faintly in the void Pale is light that it will shed Still its shine I can't avoid The edge of the endless skies Is so very near It can sense it with my eyes 'Cause the night's so clear My fingers are all red and numb From standing in the cold I can't really feel my thumb But the feeling won't get old _________________________________________ Better? The rhythm's still not perfect but idk how to fix it without remaking the whole thing. D: |
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| Author: | metagross4 [ Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:15 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Well I had a little poetic moment |
the second one makes more sense. |
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| Author: | metagross4 [ Sat Oct 25, 2008 4:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Well I had a little poetic moment |
Valentine wrote: metagross4 wrote: Holy crap that's panzieish Holy crap you're immature :lol that joke was so funny, i forgot to laugh
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