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Brynn's Amazing Discovery
http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=22400		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Valentine [ Wed May 28, 2008 6:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Brynn's Amazing Discovery
yeah, another timed writing. ten minutes again, but this time with a prompt i made up on my own; girl finds an old game in her house and immediately believes she'll make a fortune off of it. kinda inspired from this (because i just love the news :O).

the style of writing is a little...different. i got carried away.

summary (highlight to view): a money-hungry little girl finds an old board game in her room. believing that it is of very high value and that it would sell for millions, she is extremely careful with it, forcing herself not to even touch the box. however, when curiosity drives her insane, she finally lifts the lid...to see nothing but a pair of die.
----

Brynn carefully lifted the container off the plush carpet and set it down on the table, marveling at the elaborate design on the box and the decorative text on the lid..even though she could not read it. She had never seen anything like this before, and of course her parents could not have, or her parent's parent's..maybe this game, maybe even just the sheet that must be inside it, is worth millions! The girl stared in awe for a couple of seconds, then proceeded to grab a blue feather duster from the closet. Surely no one would be interested in a crummy old box...it must be clean. No, Brynn, do not touch it! You will destroy it with your massive hands. Then it will not sell for a penny.

Now, it is finally spotless! Good work! Turning back to the box on the table, Brynn wondered if she should open the box and have a look at the game inside. No! Absolutely preposterous! Do not even attempt to touch that box. It's not your property, Brynn. It will be some rich man's soon, however..but, then again, how are you supposed to know how much it is worth if you restrict yourself from peeking? It can't hurt..

Oh, my!
Oh, dear!

There's nothing inside! Nothing at all! Just a pair of die. Well, now you have learned your lesson, Brynn. If you didn't have to look, you could have made a fortune! But now you, and every single person on Earth, knows that this game is completely worthless, and no one, not even the common fool, will even consider paying a penny for this..this piece of junk! It is all your fault, Brynn. All your fault!
----

dont you love how short it is? ;o
Author:  Patchy [ Sat May 31, 2008 2:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
Quote:

dont you love how short it is? ;o


Yep. =D
It makes the girl seem kinda stupid for thinking about millions only to find a pair of die. :lol:
But musn't there be more in the game? O_o
Author:  Crystal [ Sat May 31, 2008 4:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
Actually, that's pretty good for a ten-minute timed piece, I can only do like 2 too 3 1/2 pages of written work during an exam, and 3 1/2 is on a good day. (Lol, my english exam is first on my line-up. >.< )

I love the fact that her only form of self-restraint is from being convinced of the enormous monetary value of the object. Who knows, if it was an extremely intricately decorated box, she could get maybe $40-$100, judging from the size you describe.

Awesome one-shot Kasey. :) I WANT MORE!! :D Seriously, I think Fanfiction.net might be starting to die now. :(
Author:  comedianmasta [ Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
Wow, that's sad. That's a really sad ending. That was really, REALLY weird.
Author:  lordtomato [ Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
I enjoyed reading it.
short and good.

It has a nice meaning.
It's complicated and short at the same time, very hard to pull off.
I also like the perspective the story is told from. like first-third person. very cool.

And I would so pay a penny for a pair of die. You could play craps, you could do a whole bunch of fun stuff.

:)
Author:  Valentine [ Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
omg this is so old ;p

but thanks guys <3
Author:  Thunder_dude7 [ Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
That was ten minutes? That is short. But I can type 70 words a minute, so.

Anyway, on to the review.

The style, as you said, was a bit off. It's like the narrator is actually his mom watching over his shoulder and annoying him. It was strange, really, because you jumped so quickly from the narrator's thoughts to things that are happening. Look here:

Quote:
Now, it is finally spotless! Good work! Turning back to the box on the table, Brynn wondered if she should open the box and have a look at the game inside. No! Absolutely preposterous!


See how you jump to "normal" narration for that one sentence? It would be better if you stayed consistently in one style, like this:

Quote:
Now, it is finally spotless! Good work! Now, stop thinking of opening that box and looking at the game inside. No! That's absolutely preposterous!


See?
Author:  SapphireL [ Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
What? a girl who thought that there were millions inside the box and when she open the box, she only found a pair of dead? Now thats an interesting story. But yeah, that is OK for a ten minute story writing. :)
Author:  Graknight [ Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Brynn's Amazing Discovery
Nice short story. Why do I fell like I read an Edgar Allen Poe story that seems really familiar/relevant to this one? :?
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