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http://xaliaphous.deviantart.com/art/Ki ... W-65442031

right, there's the preview. have fun reading it.

This takes place in present time, yet the main setting is based off of the middle ages.

All the rest will unfold as I get my hands covered with more ink.


Last edited by Valentine on Mon Dec 24, 2007 12:58 am, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Sep 21, 2007 1:42 pm
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You write? 0.o

Anyway, that's an ok opening of a story (it is the opening right?). But it's a bit of a rush, usually there's some sort of introduction to the first character shown, a look into his/her thoughts or something. Also, it kind of ended abruptly, could you write a bit more of it before posting?

One thing a loved though was your imagery, "a white thorny bush" I think is an excellent and original description.

It's sounds, overall, like a very interesting story. I'm going to be sure to check in.

P.S. could you copy/paste your work here instead of putting a link? Deivinart hurts my eyes and it's annoying to have to open another window.

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 1:55 pm
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It's not an opening. Actually, it's the very beginning of the 2nd chapter. I thought it worked as a nice preview and used it.

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:00 pm
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Ooooooohhhhhh, that's better then. Wait, why did you post a preview if you've finished the first chapter?

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:08 pm
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I knew someone would ask that.

I'm getting transfered to another school, and I left my things in my locker, the first chapter being one of them. I'll probably get a hold of it over the weekend.

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:14 pm
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this post does not matter anymore and i'm getting rid of it to protect people from spoilers that havent been mentioned in the rewrite at the moment


Last edited by Valentine on Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:37 pm, edited 7 times in total.



Tue Sep 25, 2007 3:06 pm
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Tessa7338 is officially my editorhelperperson. :D

My writing has been crappy, so if I try and try and I can't get it right she helps.

Which is a big reason I haven't been posting chapters.

kk?

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Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:16 am
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Finally got around to reading it.....It's very good, Nice introduction of the characters. I only saw one thing that might have been a mistake, "she was only five years young", did you mean to put "she was only five years, young"?

Over all I like the way this has started out, can't wait for action thought.

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Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:34 am
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no, i meant five years young.

haven't you heard of that? it's a different way to say 5 years old.

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Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:41 am
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No I haven't ever heard it used in that way.

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Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:45 am
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this post does not matter anymore and i'm getting rid of it to protect people from spoilers


Last edited by Valentine on Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:40 pm, edited 7 times in total.



Thu Oct 11, 2007 5:28 pm
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Edited both chapters, especially the first one. Maybe your eyes won't burn this time.

And I know I'm not posting chapters very often, but I suffer from writer's block and it takes me a while to actually edit it well.

also i'd really like it if it didnt seem like i was only talking to dunsparce (:

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Sun Oct 14, 2007 1:22 pm
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this post does not matter anymore and i'm getting rid of it to protect people from spoilers


Last edited by Valentine on Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:40 pm, edited 3 times in total.



Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:43 pm
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I curse my other duties for preventing me from reading this. This stuff is really good, I travelled through this last installment and I loved the way everything is described.

Though, I have a little request, in the third passage and the second one as well, there were people who weren´t described, like Maddox in this third one and Trei from the second one, you could add a little description of them about how did they looked or what were they wearing or whatnot, you´re the creative one, not me.

Lorcan´s affinity for chewing on things without even noticing, who else is that way, I wonder...?


Fri Oct 19, 2007 12:04 pm
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this post does not matter anymore and i'm getting rid of it to protect people from spoilers


Last edited by Valentine on Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.



Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:28 pm
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CHAPTER FIVE DIED ;-;


Last edited by Valentine on Mon Dec 24, 2007 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Wed Oct 24, 2007 5:11 pm
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Lol at your comments below the last one on the site.
Please write and post more soon, I've only just read these chapters and although I found a couple of parts a little confusing, (probably due to my own stupidity), they were also very descriptive and fascinating - I want more!
(The last chapter is my favourite so far.)

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Wed Nov 14, 2007 4:46 pm
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this post does not matter anymore and i'm getting rid of it to protect people from spoilers


Last edited by Valentine on Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:24 pm
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What what? Ohh, I'm confused! What's going on in the last part, I thought Tangdom was a vampire? But he seems young, is he a boy vampire? Who's Maria? Is Quentin a ghost then? But he can form a solid shape because he patted his friend's back? And who or what is the doll that knows everything? *Blink*

I ask a lot of questions, sorry. I just don't want to get too lost, or else I won't be able to follow and I'd be sad because I've loved it so far.

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:41 pm
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read through chapter four again, tangdom's not the vampire. he is young, though.

and quentin is solid, yes, while he is indeed a ghost.

maria just got introduced in this chapter.

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:49 pm
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Oh yes, I'm sorry. My head mixed chapter one with the line "He is a very modest vampire" in chapter 2, yet I still knew Lorcan was a vampire.

Okie dokie, well I can't wait to read more; I want to know what's wrong with some of their memories like Tangi's and something about Tangdom dying? Arghh.

Thanks.

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 5:14 pm
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Sorry I haven't been able to post, been busy.

Anyway I'm starting to really like your work, you have a unique tone (if that's the right word) of writing that seems uniquely real. But the actual structure of your chapters is kind of weird, you keep jumping from person to person. And though it gives an excellant view of the story it's kind of confusing, entertaining, but confusing. And it makes the story development kinda slow, usually by the 6th chapter the plot is pretty clear. But hey, if you like it that way it's fine with me.

Some of your characters could use a bit more explanation, like Tangdom's description was excellent, but Quentin wasn't. Try to give a bit more information on their demeanor.

Your characters are really vivid and unique, I can't wait to see more!

Edit: Changed "completely" to "Uniquely" because that's what I meant.

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Last edited by dunsparce on Sun Nov 18, 2007 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:40 pm
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dunsparce wrote:
Anyway I'm starting to really like your work, you have a unique tone (if that's the right word) of writing that seems completely real. But the actual structure of your chapters is kind of weird, you keep jumping from person to person. And though it gives an excellant view of the story it's kind of confusing, entertaining, but confusing. And it makes the story development kinda slow, usually by the 6th chapter the plot is pretty clear. But hey, if you like it that way it's fine with me.


I don't think that matters too much anymore. There are a few things now - usually programmes or films - in which we follow several different characters lives that link together somehow and it's nice to see it in a story. Although I got a bit confused too, that was due to my mis-reading and poor memory. I have to read each chapter a couple of times but this is because it's on the internet so I don't take it in as much as I would if it was in writing in front of me.

However, I do agree with you about characters like Quentin's description, though they might come with time, (and more chapters :P).

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 7:07 pm
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Note: This is NOT an update on the story!

So I took a little break from the story. What did I come up with? This!

http://xaliaphous.deviantart.com/art/Th ... d-70415280

Read the description pleeease.

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Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:38 pm
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If your going to write poetry you should put it in a separate thread methinks.

The poems are a bit chaotic, I don't really know what to make of them. The string one made me completely confuzzled.

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Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:53 pm
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