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A Poem (Wow, a creative title :D )
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Author:  Equinoxe [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:54 am ]
Post subject:  A Poem (Wow, a creative title :D )
I wrote this (crappy?) poem last night.
I couldn't think of a decent name for it so I'll just call it 'Nameless' until I come up with a good name.
So, here it is:

In the daylight
You sense something
Strange and creepy
You just keep walking

Through the forest
Through the meadow
Following you
Like a shadow

Speaking slowly
Telling you
What to think and
what to do

Then you'll ask:
What can it be?
If you think hard
Then you will see

You'll turn around
And see it's true
There is no creature
There is just you.


I'd like to hear some comments and critique from the better writers! :D
Author:  dunsparce [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:17 am ]
Post subject: 
Nice, I like it, you make a good story with your poem. Something that I didn't like was how the first stanza didn't really rhyme, while the others did. If your going to write a rhyming poem you need to have constancy. What I saw you did was:

A
B
C
B

For the most part, what you did with the first one was more like:

A
B
C
B1/2

"Walking" and "Something" don't really rhyme.

I really liked the word play with this though, "And see it's true, there is no creature, there is just you" was my favorite.

I'm glad that there is another person doing poetry, don't forget to try free verse and other forms of poetry.
Author:  Equinoxe [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 11:29 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the critique! :)

I will try to think of better rhymes to replace "something" and "walking".
(I was probably a bit tired when I wrote this :D)
Author:  Sapphire118 [ Sat Dec 01, 2007 2:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
i like it
but i can't give you advice
good job ^^
Author:  CharmedJoey [ Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Jolly hooo.
I like this, I wasn't sure until I saw the ending. It slightly reminds me of a song I love:

"And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

...

And it's me who is my enemy.
Me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters.
Me who strips my confidence.
And it's me who's too weak,
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.
And it's me who's too weak,
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.
But I love."
- 'Me' by Paula Cole.

I don't think rhyming matters too much as we aren't in a place like school where it's a requirement but I do like things that rhyme best because I'm a little simple. "Walking" and "something" kinda rhyme - they both have 'ing' at the end.
Author:  Equinoxe [ Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:59 am ]
Post subject: 
I'm glad you people like it! :D
I might write more stuff if I had time. :P
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