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| The Dragon Tales http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=20127 |
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| Author: | manuel_suplico2 [ Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:30 pm ] |
| Post subject: | The Dragon Tales |
So welcome to my story ... Here's the first episode please rate from 1-10 T.Y.: Chapter one: A Happy Beginning “Welcome to the Dragonsland Dratini” Says Dialga. As Dratini comes out of the cave. “Here your mission is to keep safe and travel around the world and find a good trainer” says Dialga as he continues his welcome message to Dratini. “Who are you “ says the newcomer Dratini.. “I am Dialga, I believe you have heard of me from your mother from the Ragona Region” ‘Oh ya I remember now Mom told me that you got to defeat the very strong Dragon League” says Dratini happily And they went to the home of Dialga: a Ruin right on a Mountain. “ Now here is your P.I.C. or as called “ Pokemon Identity Card “ it has every data on you” says Dialga as he gives the P.I.C.to Dratini. “Very well then off you go now and start your adventure in this region” “Okay Dialga” “Oh wait, I forgot I have a favor for you” “Yes?” “Could you deliver this parchment to Seadra.” “Okay, Goodbye Dialga” “Goodbye” |
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| Author: | Thunder_dude7 [ Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: The Dragon Tales |
manuel_suplico2 wrote: “Welcome to the Dragonsland Dratini” Says Dialga as Dratini comes out of the cave. “Here your mission is to keep safe and travel around the world and find a good trainer” says Dialga as he continues his welcome message to Dratini. “Who are you?" says the newcomer Dratini. “I am Dialga, I believe you have heard of me from your mother from the Ragona Region” "Oh yeah, I remember now! Mom told me that you got to defeat the very strong Dragon League” says Dratini happily And they go to the home of Dialga: a Ruin right on a Mountain. “Now here is your P.I.C. or as called “ Pokemon Identity Card." it has every piece of data on you in existence.” says Dialga as he gives the P.I.C. to Dratini. “Very well. Then off you go now and start your adventure in this region.” “Okay, Dialga.” “Oh wait, I forgot I have a favor to ask of you.” “Yes?” “Could you deliver this parchment to Seadra?” “Okay, Goodbye Dialga.” “Goodbye.” That is your chapter fixed grammatically. Note that where I put in multiple words that you can change it around. Here are some things I feel I should mention: You started a new paragraph every time somebody speaks. We usually have to correct people on that one. In the future, skip a line in between dialog, like I did. Most all of your chapter is dialog. Include more description and action. Although I'm not a fan of present tense, if you use it, make sure it all is present tense. You use past tense and present tense, which is a big no-no. I had a hard time imagining the area they are speaking in. Describe your area more. I can't say anything about plot because it's too early in the book. It seems it will turn into something good. So, I don't have a great first impression. Improve grammar in the future. I would say your chapter is too short, but adding description and action should handle that. Wow, I do go on for a while, don't I? |
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| Author: | Ghost Writer [ Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:03 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Yeah, work on the grammar. ALOT. And, I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again. A story without extensive descriptions and a good plot will most likely be branded as crap. But, I'm not doing that, cuz, unfortunately for the library, this is better than the other stories that have come rolling through that need work. So, work on it, make sure you proof read, think out a plot before just writing, and spell check. If you have someone willing to listen, then you could read it to them for their approval. And maybe find someone more experienced to help point out mistakes before posting. |
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| Author: | manuel_suplico2 [ Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Actually, I prepared already and have reached Chapter 10... The Plot will be said later at Chapter 4 ... I will be making it longer at Chapter 4 because the plot starts at that Chapter..... And yes, I will see my grammar first..... Sometime later I will add an interactive feature too....... Thanks for commenting. Finally, here's Chapter 2: Chapter two: A Little Bit of Help “Okay now I’m in Route 1, wait, is it Route 2 ? Ohhh great now where will I go” “You’re on Route 1” “Huh? Who, Who’s there” “It’s just me, Bagon” “Hello, I’m Dratini” “Nice to meet you “ “Thanks for telling me what Route I’m in now” “No problem anyways what are you doing here in this Route ?” “Well I was on my way to deliver this parchment to Seadra” “SEADRA ? I know him he lives just over there in that route and I have been waiting to meet him ohhhh could I join you on your quest please, please, please!!!!” “Well I might need some help so okay”. And off they go to Route 2 to deliver the parchment to Seadra. (Still short ? please read what I just typed in the upper portion of this post) |
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| Author: | Thunder_dude7 [ Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Again, grammar. You don't place periods at the ends of sentences, and have one run-on. You also accidentally put a space between the sentence and a quotation mark. Again, dialog. Work a little more on each chapter, rather then rushing through the whole book. Put time and effort into this. |
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| Author: | Crimson [ Fri Oct 26, 2007 1:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Like the others said, you have grammatical issues throughout the first two chapters. The human mind had a harder time comprehending present tense versus past tense. Don't ask me to explain it other than that, my old Psychology teacher told me. Yes they're still ridicuously short (and all dialogue). Now, you said the plot begins in Chapter 4...There are a few issues with that:
2) Your central plot may begin in Chapter 4, but your story needs to be leading up to it in an interesting fashion. This...isn't what I'd call interesting, but then again I'm really picky. Even though you wrote the first ten chapters of your story, not that I can imagine that taking a long time, you need to go through each chapter and try to apply the advice we give. As for the interactive feature...that isn't what this forum is for. This is, the read and critique, essentially our interaction besides the discussion forum. Check out some of the stories here, look through our guides, or even look through some of your favorite books to get a better idea of how to write things. Everyone has weaknesses that need to be worked on. Mine, for example, are action scenes (big surprise </sarcasm>) which I don't read or write a lot because I find them boring. You, need to work on improving in general. Once you become more proficient with the basics you can focus on area specifics. |
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| Author: | Thunder_dude7 [ Fri Oct 26, 2007 2:27 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Good point. It is very important to hook the reader, making them want to go further in the book, then stun them with an amazing plot. Readers tend not to stop reading when plot begins, so you have to keep them hooked until then. They don't stop in the middle of chapters unless it's really bad, and don't stop in some sort of suspense. Try not to give them many opportunities to stop reading. One good thing to do is end chapters in at least a little suspense, even if you are wrapping up something. Obs' "The Darkness Within Him" is a good example. Hook the reader with some huge conflict, and solve the conflict in small steps. Then, even if you end in a resolution for one of those steps, the reader will want to see the big problem fixed, and continue reading. One good idea for your book is to present a problem, bigger then delivering a letter, and let that keep them interested. Then, when your real conflict begins, they will want to keep reading. I really shouldn't babble on so much on getting the reader hooked, but it's important. I won't waste any more of your time. PS I lied. I recommend using Word to prevent future grammatical errors. |
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| Author: | manuel_suplico2 [ Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:55 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Fine. And thanks for helping me out I'll try to make the next chapter "longer". Currently, I am fixing the next chapter. |
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