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Heaven in the depths of Hell
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Author:  Ghett0 [ Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Heaven in the depths of Hell
Heaven in the depths of hell
By Ghett0

"Go, Pokeball!" "What!? Agghh----" "Huh? What in the name of Arceus was that?!"
He heard a short yell, then a growl. "Ah, man, I don't think that's a inviting growl."
He felt spit pour down onto his head. He turned around. "What the **** are you!?" he yelled.
"I am hell." Teeth digged into his head. They broke every single skull plate, and he felt pain.
Utter, sharp pain.

"What in the...." He barely could get the words to come out of his mouth. He realized the pain
remained, yet, he felt numbed at the same time. He felt queezy as a result of this odd sensation.
"Hello." A bellowing voice said, so loud it put a ringing sound in his ears. "Who are you?" It said.
"Uh... I'm Dan. A Pokemon trainer."I'm your killer." "But I'm still here." "Shut up." "But..."
"Just Be quiet. Oh, I have many new feelings to introduce you to." "Such as?" "Just be quiet."
He started to feel tingling. Then pain pierced his body like a bullet. "Go....Chansey..heal..me.."
Author:  Crimson [ Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
A new paragraph begins everytime a different character speaks. Now that that's over with...

What the hell just happened? I have very little idea as to what's going on. The events are random and there's no continuity to it. This may be fiction but it still has to make sense. I read a book where it said that fiction had to make more sense than real life. So, as of this moment, you have a lot to work on to make this better. I suggest rewriting or doing major edits to this before posting or writing the next chapter.
Author:  The Obsidian Wolf [ Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
This is the very essence of what goes on in Ghetto's head. This explains everything.

The only merit I can give it, though (on a serious note) is the description of said character's skull breaking. Quite effective, given the poor quality of the rest of the 'fiction.'
Author:  Ghost Writer [ Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
Like Crimson said, a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.

Also, wtf? No descriptions, no plot, no story. Sorry about this, mate, but this is one of the worst I've read.

Stop trying to improve your post count. Not only is the chapter only one paragraph, but we can see that you didn't put any hard work into this.

Honestly, we were doing very well, and now we've had quite a few n00bs coming in here and trying to score a quick few posts to up their post counts. POST COUNT DOES NOT MATTER.

*ahem* I might just have to ask the admins to start looking into this forum every once in a while, so they can start banning some of these spammers, though Crimson isn't going to like that.

And Ghett0, go. Just... go.
Author:  Crimson [ Sat Oct 13, 2007 3:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think I want the admins to disable the post count in this forum as well. They're rather irritating...I won't deny that thouroughly yelling at them isn't a good stress reliever though.
Author:  Treeckomaster [ Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:00 am ]
Post subject: 
Disable post count here? Great idea! And as for Ghett, please get out while I'm alive.
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