It is currently Fri Mar 29, 2024 5:35 pm



Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
 Heaven in the depths of Hell 
Author Message
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Heaven in the depths of hell
By Ghett0

"Go, Pokeball!" "What!? Agghh----" "Huh? What in the name of Arceus was that?!"
He heard a short yell, then a growl. "Ah, man, I don't think that's a inviting growl."
He felt spit pour down onto his head. He turned around. "What the **** are you!?" he yelled.
"I am hell." Teeth digged into his head. They broke every single skull plate, and he felt pain.
Utter, sharp pain.

"What in the...." He barely could get the words to come out of his mouth. He realized the pain
remained, yet, he felt numbed at the same time. He felt queezy as a result of this odd sensation.
"Hello." A bellowing voice said, so loud it put a ringing sound in his ears. "Who are you?" It said.
"Uh... I'm Dan. A Pokemon trainer."I'm your killer." "But I'm still here." "Shut up." "But..."
"Just Be quiet. Oh, I have many new feelings to introduce you to." "Such as?" "Just be quiet."
He started to feel tingling. Then pain pierced his body like a bullet. "Go....Chansey..heal..me.."

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:21 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
A new paragraph begins everytime a different character speaks. Now that that's over with...

What the hell just happened? I have very little idea as to what's going on. The events are random and there's no continuity to it. This may be fiction but it still has to make sense. I read a book where it said that fiction had to make more sense than real life. So, as of this moment, you have a lot to work on to make this better. I suggest rewriting or doing major edits to this before posting or writing the next chapter.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:33 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 am
Posts: 1559
Location: Dragon's Den
Post 
This is the very essence of what goes on in Ghetto's head. This explains everything.

The only merit I can give it, though (on a serious note) is the description of said character's skull breaking. Quite effective, given the poor quality of the rest of the 'fiction.'

_________________
Image

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."


Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:07 pm
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
Post 
Like Crimson said, a new paragraph every time a new character speaks.

Also, wtf? No descriptions, no plot, no story. Sorry about this, mate, but this is one of the worst I've read.

Stop trying to improve your post count. Not only is the chapter only one paragraph, but we can see that you didn't put any hard work into this.

Honestly, we were doing very well, and now we've had quite a few n00bs coming in here and trying to score a quick few posts to up their post counts. POST COUNT DOES NOT MATTER.

*ahem* I might just have to ask the admins to start looking into this forum every once in a while, so they can start banning some of these spammers, though Crimson isn't going to like that.

And Ghett0, go. Just... go.

_________________
[img]http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s239/Jammer92/ThousandWordSig.png[/img]


Sat Oct 13, 2007 2:45 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
I think I want the admins to disable the post count in this forum as well. They're rather irritating...I won't deny that thouroughly yelling at them isn't a good stress reliever though.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Sat Oct 13, 2007 3:53 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Disable post count here? Great idea! And as for Ghett, please get out while I'm alive.


Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:00 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 6 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 19 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.