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 This one time... 
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...my twin brother and I stole a lighter from a convenient store when we were about 9 or 10. This wasn't anything new, because we did this all the time; kleptomania and pyromania were favorite past times of ours. We usually just stole a bunch of useless **** like food or **** to burn, but it was fun.

Anyway, my brother and I were cleaning out our room while my mother was at work. I was going through the pockets of one of my coats when I found the lighter we took from the day before. We had been working so long on the room, we thought it would be nice to take a break and burning something. Since it was fall, there were plenty of dry leaves and sticks to immolate for our pleasure. So, we took some lighter fluid and a pot we found (to contain the fire) and burned pretty much whatever we could find behind our garage.

Burning leaves is exciting for only so long, so we had to find something else. Luckily, there was some old newspaper around, but then we thought, "We can't just burn it in a pot. That'd be boring. What exciting thing can we do with it?" Turn it into the Olympic Torch! Then, run around the back yard with it. **** yeah, good idea! Dry paper burns pretty quickly, so when the ****'s about to burn the **** out of you, what do you do? Throw it on the ground and kick it, then stomp the hell out of it.

Being pretty satisfied with fire at that point, my brother and I went back inside to finish cleaning our room and watch cartoons. Eventually, my older brother came home from a friend's (he was our babysitter), went up stairs, and closed himself in his room. About 30 minutes later he came running down the stairs to tell us the back of the garage, and the tree behind it, were on fire. My brother called my mom. She came home and beat us, and we had to sit on our bed for two weeks.

That was the biggest thing we ever burned.

This one time (your turn)...

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Thu Apr 22, 2010 10:14 pm
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...I brought my copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl to my best friend Jack's apartment. After we enjoyed that, basically my two friends got into a fight about a couple of other issues, and now I have one less friend. Never again will I introduce SSBB to anyone ever again.

This one time...

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Thu Apr 22, 2010 11:50 pm
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...two years ago, my knocked up friend was having a baby shower for her first son. She was like "Amber i swear you better come to this baby shower or I'll be really mad. you better have a good excuse not to come." So I was like "yeah ok dude I'll request that day off and come." So I got the day off. It was a Saturday and the night before I had a **** load of cheese sticks. You know, those string cheese things? Anyway, yeah, I had a huge stomachache. I couldn't figure out why I'd still feel sick 12 hours after eating them? So it was time for her party and I drove all the way out there (like 15 minutes away.) I ate some watermelon and chips and oh my god I felt even worse. About an hour into the party I laid my head down on the table and her soon-to-be mother-in-law came into the room with a huge cake and as she walked around giving people the pieces she was like "do you want some?" I was like oh god no get it away!

A few minutes later I had to hurl. I jumped up, ran to the bathroom and went into the men's bathroom because someone was in the women's. I sat there for a good five minutes puking my guts up. I threw up all the cheese sticks and Mountain Dew and i thought the toilet was going to flood. I felt a little better but still had a tummyache. I told Steph that I had to leave because I just threw up and she was like "oh well thanks for coming!" So I get on the road and god I feel like i have to puke again. ONLY 10 MORE MINUTES UNTIL I GET HOME!!!!!!!! I rolled down the window, and going 55MPH tried puking out the window and it came back and smacked me in the face. Disgusted, I had to throw up AGAIN. I couldn't control it, I tried putting my hand over my mouth but it just flooded out. I pulled over on the side of a major highway, put my hazard lights on, opened the door and **** THREW UP AGAIN. Also I **** my pants and it was gross. There was puke on my door, face, arms, and the outside of my car. People were honking at me whilst I was throwing up and i was like FUCK YOUUUUUUUU *middle fingers* and when I finally got home my mom was like "amber whats all that brown stuff on your arms/shirt/face?" I told her I puked on myself. Also I **** my pants.

I ran inside, changed my pants, and cleaned up my car. I didn't know, but this was just the beginning. I got really sick that day and was puking so much eventually I just didn't have anything left. I just laid in bed and my body tried throwing up but nothing came out. Instead I kept **** my pants again and again. I couldn't hold it, it was like water. I eventually got so tired of going downstairs to throw up that I got a bucket and put it beside my bed to puke in. And I chugged a huge glass of water because I was so thirsty but I puked that up too. Also I kept **** my pants and after like 10 times I just laid in it. I didn't have the energy to get up and change my underwear again. I stayed up all night barfing and I watched Gullah Gullah Island at 4am and then the Twilight Zone at 5am. I really did want to die, that was the worst night of my life. I've had the flu before but that was **** ridiculous, not being able to control your bowels at all.

I ended up calling off Sunday and i told the manager "yeah...dude, I can't come in today. I've been throwing up and **** myself all night." I will also never look at another string cheese stick the same way again.

This one time...

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Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:15 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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Location: Nova Scotia. Yeah, It exists.
...Me and a couple of friends were hanging around town on our bikes and skateboards. One of us suggested we play Ditch the Doorbell or Doorbell Ditch or Nikki Nikki 9 Doors or whatever the **** it's called So we went around town knocking on random doors and running (biking). And when we had done every house worth doing in town, there was only one house left. Nobody knows his real name, So we just call him Crazy. The name is self-explanatory. So we debated on whether or not to ring his doorbell, and being as **** stupid as we are, we did it. Apparently, someone had **** tipped him off, and he was waiting for us. With a **** shotgun. So we (me) were just going up to his door, and he came out of the **** door with the gun and was like "IF YOU LITTLE **** EVER COME NEAR MY **** HOUSE I'LL **** KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!" Needless to say we screamed and biked home before he shot us. I think we all pretty much cried. I ca never drive, bike or walk by his house again, even though I don't think he remembers me.

This one time...

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Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:50 am
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...my brother and my uncle stole a porn magazine from a convenient store. Remember, porn wasn't always "free" to everyone at anytime. So, in the 90's, as a child, unless your parents lived in the US and had Cinemax or Showtime, you seldom saw boobies or wieners (besides your own... and that's boring).

It was the day of my birth, 1995. Someone gifted me a lava lamp. There has been nothing in my life more interesting to stare at sober. Sometimes it would float up, mold, and then drip down; and sometimes it would be too heavy, fall back down, and sex the bottom blob. What word could possibly break me from this gelatinous hypnotism?

Porno.

My older brother and cousin ran up the steps to my room to tell me of this fantastic acquisition. Naked chicks? Hell yeah; I'm there! We all peddled our bikes as fast as we could to look at this adolescent Grail. Each page was filled with excitement. But really, what's better than a porno magazine?

TWO PORNO MAGAZINES!!

"Andrew, Steve, go get another one!"

"Yeah!" everyone egged on.

The store must have been, at most, 3 minutes away.... (15 minutes later): "Where are they?"

A short hike would reveal two young boys detained at a store counter calling their mothers. "It looks like they're caught," my older brother said. "We gotta tell Mom!"

"AND GET IN MORE TROUBLE, RETARD?!" I said.

"She's gonna find out anyway! How can we explain where we've been?!"

Good point. We peddled back (though far slower), and ratted ourselves out to my mom, in front of everyone who was there to celebrate my birthday, because my brother Adam has no discretion. We were all beaten and grounded, save my cousin and uncle, because we don't have the same mothers. I was able to spend the rest of my birthday out of bed since all I did was look, but I was sent to Confession the next week to tell what had happened. However, Father Keller only complained about my swearing.

One thing I learned: Don't tell anyone when you look at porn.

This one time...

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Sat May 01, 2010 11:30 pm
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Location: Somewhere around Fortree City, I'm sure.
I was working at a restaurant, and I was heading over to a table to take their order. Seated at the table was a couple with a son who wore a sad, gloomy frown on his face.

"What can I get for you?"

"A boiled egg, please."

"Anything else?"

"No."

This was the extent of our first conversation. A bit puzzled, I walked back to the kitchen, placed the order, and brought the boy his egg.

"Could you warm it up please?"

Of course, I was happy to oblige such a request, even if it was a bit odd.



This is where it gets crazy.



Against my better judgment, I put the egg into a bouillon bowl (a small soup bowl with a slightly high rim) and into the microwave. I served the egg to the boy a second time and walked back into the kitchen. Not five seconds later, another server dashes up to a manager and exclaims that "an egg just blew up in a kid's face and he is freaking out."

I could feel every drop of blood draining from my face.

What if I just scarred this kid for life?! Immediately, I ran out to the table...to find them laughing. Yes, laughing. There was egg all over the table, their food, their faces, their hair, on the floor, on the tables and guests around them, on the CEILING... everywhere. I seriously thought that I was about to lose my job, and yet everyone in the dining room is laughing.

Apparently, what happened is that, when heated, the yolk of the egg gave off a gas that accumulated in the center of the egg. When it couldn't take any more, the egg exploded with such force that it plastered the inside of the bowl. It didn't stop there though. The curvature of the bouillon bowl was such that it caused the debris from the egg to rocket straight up into the air and rain down on anything/anyone within the blast radius.



The boy left grinning from ear to ear, and tip I received from that table was quite good.


This one time...

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Mon May 03, 2010 3:59 pm
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... my friend was over at my house because his dad wanted to ask him a favour. He said he wanted to use my laptop for a sec. So I allowed him. I told him I had to go check on something so I'll be right back. When I come back, I see that my laptop's hard-drive is being erased! I was like "Dude! What the ****!" And he said "Stupid *****..." He said like he got revenge, even though I did nothing. Anyway, we started kicking, punching, and whacking each other with something. Eventually, I managed to throw him outside. And guess who comes as soon as I throw him out, my parents. They asked what's wrong. I said " This f****** a****** erased the laptop's hard-drive!" After I said that, they were pissed! They told him leave or else. He left. My came inside to check on the laptop. Apparently, it wouldn't start. The charger was in, so was the battery. They were so pissed, I bet they never wanna see him again. Few seconds later, I went to my room to check if I got any cuts or bruises. When I lifted up my hair, I saw a big cut. And it was bleeding like crazy! When I put a bandage, it stinged when I put it on after that, it was all right. After that, I never wanted to see him again. We see each other at school but I never talk to him.

This one time...


Tue May 04, 2010 6:11 pm
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